That feeling of wanting a perfect marriage can lead some couples straight to divorce, but in my marriage, divorce is not an option. Giving up doesn’t change anything for me. I wouldn’t forget the love that brought us to the altar if we were separated. Our kids wouldn’t be better off in a broken family even if we fought every single day of their lives. Let me tell you my story.
Do you want a peak inside a dark time in my life? Check out this blog post I wrote about two years ago, During Hard Times it is Okay to Choose You… I Did.
Marriage is tough, but I can promise it’s usually worth working to keep it together.
***The images seen here of my husband and me were taken by Lauren with Owl & Anchor.
Is Divorce the Answer?
I once felt as if God didn’t know me. I thought I was alone in everything I did, everything I desired, and every time I was down and out. Where was God? Did He even exist or am I just being played for a fool?
I looked at my husband then and thought, “I know he doesn’t like me anymore.” We had fallen out of love, or we were as close to that as you could get. I stopped talking to him all together at times and I stopped sleeping in the same bed. The worst of it was when I stopped loving myself the more we interacted. I was becoming someone unrecognizable.
Leaving this world was never a thought, but I was finding it harder to wake up and live. My thoughts lead me to somewhere dreadful as I started living each day with one foot out the door, waiting for the next thing to happen to help justify leaving my marriage no matter the cost.
The Hurt Doesn’t Always Go Away
Feeling that lonely still haunts me and as I sit here remembering, my eyes are filled with tears and I have a major lump in my throat. I haven’t forgotten any of those feelings yet, and I don’t know if I ever will. But eventually I came to thank God for ALL of that suffering. I honestly, could not be more grateful for that horrible experience.
Divorce is Not an Option
You see, for me, Divorce is not an option. It isn’t just because we’re Catholic. It’s because I cannot love anyone else like I love my husband. When our marriage is “rocky” I don’t want to leave (anymore)… I want life to begin pulling us back together again. If we’re constantly fighting, then I’m looking to God and asking Him what to do, “Lord, what is your will?”
Divorce isn’t an option for us because we’re not dealing with abuse and no one has had an affair. I can’t pretend to believe there are couples who should remain together during extreme circumstances. If this is you, please find a safe place and seek some marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can help even if it’s just you visiting… because sometimes husbands (and wives) think counseling isn’t for them… so go alone. Who knows maybe he’ll join you eventually.
What if it Isn’t Working?
What if you’ve tried prayer and you’ve also tried working on yourself, personally? It still feels as if everything still feels like ALL is lost? Keep at it! If your husband was important enough to marry, then he’s well worth your hard effort to keep him. Persistence is key. You may believe nothing is working because you haven’t given it enough time. The reason you don’t want to quit too soon is because your husband could be making changes in his head and in his heart that aren’t reflecting on the outside just yet. He could be waiting to see if you’re really making a change yourself. Men don’t like to be made to look like a fool.
That means being vulnerable. If you want to make things work, then you need to be vulnerable with him. The hard part about that is knowing you’re going to get really hurt during the process. It will be okay. This is apart of the suffering God calls us towards. The devil tries to sneak in during your vulnerable stage too, so be careful to act slowly and think before you speak. That way the best choice of action can be made.
Learn to Demand Respect
Just because you’re being vulnerable does not mean you should just let him hurt your feelings. You are allowed to stand up for yourself. This can be difficult to do while trying to keep your composure, but yelling and showing a huge amount of anger won’t benefit you at this time. God knows how often I made this mistake… yet another reason why you should be patient with seeing rewards for your efforts.
Bottom Line… Divorce Doesn’t Have to be an Option
We can do better for our marriage than just quitting. It’s hard work, but it’s worth it. You know, the chances of you finding a second husband and having the same issues you’re having now are very high. We see it all the time, and that’s because we’re part of the problem too. The way my husband treats me is a direct reflection on how I treat him, allow him to talk with me, and more. Hang in there!