Why do I feel lonely in my marriage? and Why is Marriage so hard? Given time any marriage can flourish from the depths of despair.
Why do I feel lonely in my marriage?
I worry I’m constantly wallowing in self-pity. I don’t mean to make things feel so awful all the time. I’m not even sure if my feelings are justified, but I’d gather to say, probably not. Am I the only one who feels alone in their marriage at times?
We’ve now been married eight years and we have four young children. This is what I would consider the equivalent of being in “the thick of it”. These days are long and hard and often enough we just seem to be surviving. I refuse to have a mediocre marriage, though some days I feel like I can’t do much more to make our marriage great, or I feel I’m the only one of us trying.
Whether or not that’s the case doesn’t actually matter. We think it matters because in our heads we’re keeping score. There have been times I refuse to do something as simple as put his laundry away because I haven’t felt the reciprocation. That’s absolutely wrong, and though I knew it, I still did so because I felt completely justified.
Have you been keeping Score?
Have you been keeping score as well? That’s precisely why you feel alone in your marriage. Instead of being a team member, you’re playing against one another. Honestly, if you’re keeping score, then he’s your opponent. It’s both simple and complicated. Why do I feel lonely in my marriage? because I’ve been keeping score.
My marriage would be in shambles had I not started fixing myself first. If all I cared about was how my husband treated me, we would most likely still be struggling like we were back then. Have you read During Hard Times, It is Okay to Choose You… I Did.?
If you haven’t read it, I encourage you to do so, because it has my biggest revelation. It was during that time I was drawn much closer to God and finally developed a relationship with Him. It just didn’t stop there though. Once I was doing God’s work, things started to trickle into place and above most… my marriage.
What a blessing to have learned such an amazing lesson, however being human can feel like a curse sometimes. Because we’re human we tend to believe little lies here and there, told to us by the devil himself. I hear that evil whisper, “Your husband doesn’t care as much about you as he cares for himself.” In the back of my mind is a voice, “Teach him a lesson then. Stop doing for him and see how he feels about that.”
It isn’t justification. I know it feels right, but it isn’t. God has never told us we shouldn’t be loving towards others only if they return the love. And you now know acts of service are the equivalent to love because you read Teaching Our Children Love and Charity. Right?
Am I really supposed to stay in every relationship that feels “toxic”?
Alright, let’s take a step back. You’ve probably heard people say it’s okay to distance yourself from those who aren’t the nicest, or perhaps they’re what the world would consider “toxic.” I too believe this to be true, but only with people you can actually distance yourself with. In my opinion, this does not include your husband. Why? Because if you leave your husband nothing will get better.
If you leave, how then are you supposed to try and work things out? Leaving is sometimes necessary, but it isn’t as common as we make ourselves believe. There are many marriages ending in divorce only for the lack of trying. I can attest to this because of how many times I thought my life would be better without a husband. I thought I just wasn’t fit to be a wife. Why do I feel lonely in my marriage? because trying to leave will make you feel lonely.
Nothing feels more lonely than a woman trying to fix things on her own. Not much feels lonelier than leaving a relationship only to find later it most likely could have worked out beautifully. Love your husband through his struggles. Pray for him daily, and don’t ever stop doing acts of service for him. Above all else, know you are never alone. When you feel like no one cares, God cares. God is there for you when you feel alone. Take the time to notice Him.
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