Who Do I Want to Be?
Who do I want to be? Frankly, I want to be everything! This statement has caused so much emotion throughout my short lifespan. I actually do long to have multiple talents, and to achieve anything I want, no matter if I want it short term or long. That feeling of hope for my future has fueled many fires, but most burned out before they were ever truly lit. That statement has inevitably caused great pain. The pain of failure came because I’ve limited myself by not wanting any limits. I would never finish anything before moving onto the next dream. This is why college was difficult for me.
The “Everything” List
Here is my “everything”: wife, mother, artist, baker, cook, photographer, entrepreneur, child sponsor, quilter, knitter, sew all my kids’ clothes-er, farmer, gardener, traveler, writer, painter, decorator, architect, blogger, server, teacher, coach, the list really never ends.
Trying to Live a Dream
Who do I want to be? I want to be the mom, who creates homestyle meals from scratch with ease, while singing and talking with my kids. I’d love to make all of their clothes because it would be practical and fun all together. The same with knitting or crocheting. I’d love to make goat cheese, gather fresh eggs, and harvest some food from our family’s farm filled with small herds of animals and a rather large garden. I wish to do these things and more while running a blog, and having children, being a wife, going back to my special education teaching career eventually, traveling the world, and allowing my kids to pursue their own dreams. Oh, all while being very calm, collective, and organized, getting to read for pleasure or sit quietly on a day to day basis.
What it Means to be the Best
As an American I believe we have been “trained” by our surroundings that we need to always push ourselves to be the best. I don’t want to be the best, but I do want to be the best version of myself. Society seems to point towards hustle and bustle to get to the top. I don’t want to be at the top, nor the bottom, but definitely not the top. Getting to the top makes me think of 70 hours a week at work, plus attending random functions to get to know all the right people.
Am I Being Selfish?
Ideally, I want to live out my dreams, because I’ve had a glimpse of what the world is capable of, and I’m kind of over it. I want to spend the rest of my days enjoying my family, and my time, while doing the things I’ve listed above. If I do that for myself will I be holding my children back? Because this is my dream and that doesn’t mean I want my kids to be just like me. I’d be tickled if one or all of my kids would be successful as a doctor, an athlete, a business person, or an artist. Even if my kids live paycheck to paycheck, I’ll still be proud of their work and their accomplishments. How do I convey this message, how do I live my dream while giving them their own dreams?
I don’t have all the answers.
Like most people (parents or not) I’m figuring life out through trial and error. I will pursue my dream every day. Doing what I love will hopefully ignite someone else to do as they wish too. I can pray for guidance and for God’s will to be done. I plan on making mistakes, but handle those mistakes with truth. Being very honest with my kids is important. My children need to trust me, and learn from me. Being truthful means not relying on “because I said so” for an explanation of why. Being truthful means I will not push the idea of “Santa” on my kids.
The Person I Want to Be
The person I wish to be is loving, calm, creative, and accepting. I choose to love others through actions so my children will see what they can also be capable of doing. I will place value on joy, be it through play, rest, reading, learning, or what have you. May that joy be a lasting lesson to relish each day, each opportunity, each struggle, and so on, to the very fullest amount possible. I must use my creative talents to benefit others, instead of only myself. This may demonstrate to them how God gives us abilities that can be used in His name and being selfless in a world of selfishness is rare, and actually sought after… a diamond in the rough, if you will.
Who do I want to be? The real person I want to be is who I am, or at least who I am becoming. The best parts of me are growing and thriving, and will continue to thrive in my children, I hope. I’m planting fruitful seeds, both good and bad (because I have faults), within each child.