I’ve been humbled from the fear of God, recently.  I’m looking at my life just a tad differently and this time I hope it lasts.  When major events happen in my life that shake me, I consider how I should be doing a better job at living my everyday.  It usually takes about a month, and then I’m back to my old ways.My old ways aren’t terrible, but I know very well it isn’t always aligning with what God wants for me.  A friend of mine, Angela, made me consider the idea of being detached when I sat down to interview her… (If you haven’t read it, you SHOULD.  It’s right here.).  I felt it was odd at first, why would I want to be detached from this world?  The reason being because we can’t take any of it with is when our time here is over.  We can’t even take our loved ones along.

So then what are we living for exactly?  Why did God create any of this, especially human beings.  Does He really expect us to know Him and be like He is?  Indeed He does.  I feel I’m beginning to figure some things out about life, of course God’s probably chuckling at me too, so take this with a grain of salt.  Struggling, seeing and feeling sorrow, being disappointed in the world here and there, it all has made me see God, the Holy Spirit, inside myself.

I’m no saint, no matter how bad I’d like to be, I make bad choices everyday.  I tell myself not to worry about what others might say about me, but I’ve been afraid of losing so many loved ones, acquaintances, actually I’ve even been afraid of making a “bad” impression in front of strangers.  I’ll say something along the lines of, “Do what God is asking of you and everything will fall into place.”, but then I become frightened that God’s not going to take care of me the way I need, and I leave Him before He can leave me.

I’ve let God down plenty of times.  I’m ashamed to say it, but it’s the absolute truth.  Even though I’ve gotten better at standing up for Him, for my belief in the Lord, and all that comes within the territory, I am still a sinner, a worrier, and maybe even a fraud.

You see tonight my knees buckled, I hit the floor, and I asked God. “How do I put all of this fully in your hands?”  “How do I give you full control of my life and not worry about all the tomorrows ahead?”  “Why is it so difficult for me?” and “Lord, why would you even bother to choose to love me?”

Death comes unexpectedly and I don’t think I’m ready.  I haven’t yet learned to become more detached from this world.  I still consume myself with all these insignificant details.  This world is our home for such a small portion of time.  It really is short, my friends.  Are you ready to let go of it all?  I’m scared to say yes, honestly.  I’m frightened to think of my life not playing out in all the ways I have planned for it.  How do we trust God’s plan?


Posted by:stmarthaslens

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