This post is sort of a sad post.  It may be considered self-pity, but I think it needs to be said.  I’m angry today.  Not really angry as much as severely let down.  I don’t understand why I have to be the one to work so hard with very little in return.Tonight I have bible study.  It is the one thing I do for myself outside the home.  Tuesdays I have all four children home with me and I look forward to it.  I had hoped to go play at the park, but it doesn’t look like that will happen.

You see yesterday I worked so hard!  I was thoroughly impressed with myself too.  I mopped the floors and cleaned the bathroom.  I worked ahead on my business, my blogs, and I was uplifted.  Yesterday I even got to sit and hang with my two little munchkins one on one.  Yesterday was a beautiful day full of very little rest.

Then yesterday evening we were granted a beautiful opportunity to see a brand new super park open in our area.  It was a sneak preview because it isn’t open to the public yet.  What a wonderful night!  (caution extreme man bashing ahead) My husband hyper focuses on things like that.  So as I snuck away after dinner to get ready (less than 20 minutes) he cleared the dinner table ONLY.  Can I just mention how helpful the kids are in clearing the table?  They basically do it all.

So this morning I woke up to all the dirty dishes laying on the counter.  They’re there waiting for me.  Why didn’t I do them last night?  Because my husband had to wake up super early to catch a flight this morning.  He needed me in bed when he went to bed so he could get a good night’s rest.

Middle of the night pitter patter walked through our house.  Little number three needed to go potty.  She asked her dad, not me, and he got irritated (because he didn’t quite make out what she was saying) and growled at her to go back to bed.  Most likely confused our little gal wet herself on our bed.  So now this morning I have that to clean up.

Our house is filthier this morning than it was yesterday morning before I put in all my hard work.  I literally sweated and scrubbed, and it felt good because I was doing it for my family.  Now today, I’m wondering who is caring for me?

Who takes care of me on a day like today?  I do.  I am the one who has to power through.  I am the one who needs to pick myself up and tell myself it will all be alright.  I will continue to work through this struggle alone, while also seeing that my children don’t suffer.  My life is still great and I still very much appreciate it because without all this work I would have know very little love.

I’ve been let down, but I am the one who cares most about my well-being if not the only one who cares at all.  That seems to come with the territory of being selfless. I put in the work for me.  I do it all for me.  If I were to do it for anyone else I’d always be left wanting.  I don’t need the affirmation.  I don’t need anyone telling me I’m worth it, because I should already know.

Self care isn’t beauty spa days and pedicures.  Self-care is taking are of your needs so you can live happily.  Today I have to do a little more work to get to my happiness, but I’m hopeful tomorrow I’ll get to enjoy more pleasures and fun.

Posted by:stmarthaslens

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