Oh man, yesterday was a bad day, and today isn’t measuring up so well either. I’m aching inside and feel like my heart is wide open spewing out everything I hold dear. I’m struggling to get my emotions in check. Why does life have to be constant ups and downs? I’m tired of feeling so exhausted and drained from the sadness I feel on days like today.
Wouldn’t it be great if we never had to feel sadness? We could just be happy and perky all day long, skipping to work and laughing with the strangers we meet. Maybe everyone’s favorite song will come over the radio and all our neighbors will just leap into the street with me to perform the synchronized dance we’ve been rehearsing. (Insert sly smirk here)
As hurtful as it feels, the sadness is actually a beautiful gift. Because I know what it is to feel sad and to feel hurt, I will know a better joy, hopefully sooner rather than later. My hardships are thankfully few, but that fact doesn’t make them hurt any less. I’ve found it helps me to know I’m okay if I cry. It is alright to let out the sadness.
I’m not doing something wrong for feeling the way I feel. The action I choose to take is to work my way out of the hurt little by little. Haven’t I talked about making myself better by 1% each day? Life is a constant struggle, and I’m certain I’ve been making good headway at becoming happier and more content, but that doesn’t mean I won’t fall. This is the time I give myself grace. This is the time I sit and feel God’s hands on my back as he gently nudges me back to the reality of the day. His hand stays there as I keep moving and I better myself one step at a time.
Why is this such a struggle for me? What is left to be learned here? I’m ready to move on but for some reason this is where I stay. I’m wounded and hurt. I’m unhappy and afraid. Please don’t let this be my everyday for the rest of my life. I’m lonely Lord, all except for you, that is. I’m begging for something better. Help me come out of this a better person, because I’m frightened this will take all my goodness away.