Since we’ve recently begun a new year, I’ve a lot of things on my mind. What my future holds is the biggest weight I’m carrying right now. I hate the unknown. I’m one of the few who isn’t ready for 2017. Maybe that’s common for people who’ve recently passed the big 3-0. See, when I recollect my last 31 years, I see so many mistakes, failures and disappointments. Yuck! That’s sad! I don’t want to see them, because I’ve a plethora of God’s gifts during my years as well, but the pessimist in me shamefully shines through.
Why is it hard to trust in God?
It really bothers me not to literally hear God answering my prayers. I talk with him all day long… “God, did you mean this?” … “Oh maybe you meant for me to do this?” … “Are you teaching me another lesson?” I’ve never been a perfectionist in my life, but when it comes to my future, I don’t see why I can’t plan it all myself? It’s not just trusting in Him to guide me day to day, but its trusting God to guide everyone around me. My husband and I are on completely different pages (insert eye roll here) when it comes to, well, life in general. How can I trust God to tell my husband to give me what I need/want? I keep trying to believe, “Thy will be done.” I just feel like I’m a fraud. Is it appropriate to fake it til you make it in this situation?
Ultimately, the hubs and I have many marital issues that we don’t see eye to eye on and that’s fine because that’s marriage, but the one I can’t shake is the decision to have another baby. I know what you readers are thinking. I would think it too if the shoe were on the other foot, but it’s not. It’s my foot. I’m ready for the fourth baby, and I’m going to want another one soon after. Yes, the oldest JUST turned 3, I know, I gave birth to her. I’ve prayed and prayed about it, and I just can’t help feeling this is my calling. I’ve always wanted a big family, and to some I already have it, but I have so much more to give. Did I mention I’m also trying to convince my husband to adopt later on? That’s me just piling on the stress and arguments, it’s like I know no other way.
So, I don’t see anything wrong with my plan, because though we aren’t filthy rich, we have more than others who are making it with multiple children. I feel confident in this area, though I’m not the one who worries about that sort of thing generally, he does. I’m so afraid that my better half will take a practical approach and put the kibosh on my emotional/love-based decision. I’m afraid of his thought process, and of course I think I know it all and that he’s already made up his mind, never mind the fact that I’ve been wrong about what goes on in his head many many many times before. I’m scared because what if this is it for me?
Well, what if it is? Will I die from this? No. Will I cry? Of course, but then I’ll feel absolutely horrid for not thanking God for my precious gifts I already possess. I will be perfectly fine if this is all God has planned for me, but I just don’t feel like it is. Here’s the most comical part of it all. I’ve been getting on Jared to put things in God’s hands. What a hypocrite! Right?! Why can’t I do it? Why am I worrying? Just let it be and it will be, but it is so hard. I’ve let instances from our past cloud my vision going forward. I don’t want to be duped again, but that is not what life is about.
God gives us trials (quite a few through our spouses alone, lol), but He does not wish us to dwell on them, nor does he wish us to dwell on the past. It’s easier for me to trust the unknown when my husband, specifically, has hurt my expectations in the past. It’s easier, but not just. Most of the time it is the difficult task that is worth doing for a greater reward.
God is hard to hear through our endless ramblings going on inside our heads. I know I need to quiet my worries, complaints, fears, and much more. God has given me a gift, and that gift is TODAY. Today I have searched for signs of His love for me, and I’ve found it, and am thankful. Today, I took the time to not worry about my future, but be here in the present with my little loves. I will be alright in whatever God has in store for our family. I am fully capable of living each day without worry and to fully trust in Him. I’ll most likely make mistakes, but fake it ’til you make it right?